When a Parent’s Needs Always Came First
Many adults arrive in therapy with a vague but persistent feeling that something in their childhood was off. Not dramatic. Not obviously abusive. Just quietly confusing.
They may describe a parent who was loving at times and deeply unavailable at others. A parent who needed a lot of reassurance, admiration, or emotional support. A parent whose reactions felt unpredictable, or whose approval seemed tied to performance, loyalty, or compliance.
If you grew up feeling responsible for a parent’s emotions, you are not alone.
Subtle Childhood Dynamics With Lasting Impact
Some parents are not cruel or neglectful in obvious ways, yet still struggle to show up consistently for their children. They may be emotionally immature, highly self-focused, or unusually sensitive to criticism. Their needs tend to set the tone for the household. You and others in your family may have learned to orbit around this parent.
As a child, this might look like:
Reading the room carefully before speaking
Keeping your feelings to yourself to avoid upsetting anyone
Working hard to be “easy,” capable, or impressive
Taking on emotional responsibility that did not belong to you
These patterns often develop without a single defining trigger. Instead, there is a gradual learning to prioritize the needs of others while deprioritizing your inner world. Over time, this can leave you with the sense that you matter less than someone else.
Why Naming This Can Feel So Hard
Many adults struggle to trust their own perceptions of their upbringing. You may find yourself thinking, It wasn’t that bad, or Other people had it worse. You may feel loyal to your parent, protective of their story, or deeply uncomfortable assigning blame.
That ambivalence makes sense.
When care and emotional connection were inconsistent, questioning the relationship would have been incredibly risky from an attachment standpoint. Minimizing became a way to stay connected and loved. But as an adult, that pattern often lingers and organizes how you relate to others, even when it no longer serves you.
How This Shows Up in Adult Life
Adults who grew up in these environments often appear high-functioning and competent. Internally, however, there may be ongoing tension.
Common experiences include:
Second-guessing yourself, even in areas of strength
Feeling guilty for having needs or setting limits
Overthinking relationships and conversations
Struggling to identify what you actually want or need
You may be successful and still feel unsettled, as though something is always slightly misaligned.
Beginning to Turn Toward Your Own Experience
You do not need to label your parent or come to definitive conclusions to begin healing. Growth often starts with curiosity rather than certainty.
This might include:
Noticing when you default to responsibility for others
Paying attention to resentment or emotional fatigue
Learning how to reconnect with your own reality and take your internal experience seriously
Allowing yourself to feel conflicted without forcing clarity
Over time, many people find language that better captures their experience. For some, narcissistic traits are part of that understanding. For others, different frameworks fit better.
What matters most is that your experience gets space.
Therapy can help.
If you are finding yourself increasingly clear that narcissistic traits were part of your parent’s behavior, you may find it helpful to read my upcoming blog on adult children of narcissistic parents and how these dynamics often show up later in life.
Considering Therapy?
If you’re curious whether therapy could be a helpful next step, I offer a free 20-minute consultation. This is a low-pressure opportunity to talk about what’s been coming up for you and see whether working together feels like a good fit.
Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this blog does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are experiencing distress or have concerns about your mental health, please consult a licensed psychologist or other qualified mental health professional in your area.