Perfectionism or Protection? What’s Really Driving the Need to Get It Right

Perfectionism is often mistaken for a personality quirk — or even a strength. High standards, attention to detail, wanting to do things “the right way” — what’s the harm, right? But if you dig a little deeper, perfectionism is often less about excellence and more about protection.

Perfectionism can act like armor. If I do everything right, I can’t be criticized. If I’m thorough enough, I won’t be caught off guard. If I anticipate everyone’s needs, I won’t be rejected. For many people, perfectionism becomes a strategy for staying emotionally safe.

This drive to “get it right” isn’t just about being conscientious. For those struggling with perfectionism, mistakes don’t just feel inconvenient — they feel dangerous. A small slip-up can kick up waves of shame, fear, or the old, familiar belief: I’m not enough. In that way, perfectionism often overlaps with people-pleasing and high-functioning anxiety. It’s not about striving — it’s about surviving.

The truth is, this protective pattern probably started for a reason. Maybe you grew up in a household where love felt conditional. Maybe being helpful, easy, or exceptional kept the peace. Perfectionism became the strategy — a way to avoid conflict, invisibility, or emotional pain. And it probably worked, for a while.

But strategies that once kept us safe can eventually keep us stuck.

Perfectionism is exhausting. It chips away at self-compassion and makes uncertainty feel intolerable. It can make rest feel unsafe and joy feel premature — like you haven’t earned it yet. And perhaps most painfully, it can keep you from being fully seen. Because being seen means being seen as imperfect.

Researcher Brené Brown offers a helpful distinction here. She writes: “Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame.” While perfectionism is rooted in fear — fear of judgment, rejection, or shame — healthy striving is different. Healthy striving is internally motivated and grounded in a desire to grow. Perfectionism, by contrast, is externally driven and fueled by the belief that your worth is always on the line.

So if you find yourself constantly trying to get it right, pause and ask: What am I protecting myself from? And is that protection still serving me?

Therapy for perfectionism can help.

Contact me to learn more or schedule a consultation.

Disclaimer: This blog is intended for informational purposes only and does not constitute psychological advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Reading this blog does not establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are experiencing distress or have concerns about your mental health, please consult a licensed psychologist or other qualified mental health professional in your area.